That Broad You Hate Or Love Or Don't Know About!

The first time I heard “Born To Die,” the single, from Lana Del Rey I instantly loved it. Simply put, it just sounded different and beautiful, plus I was watching the video and sideboob is still boob. It conveyed such urgency. It gave me Goosebumps all holiday season long. As I digested the song, it slowly became apparent that there really isn’t an original thought in it. From the stringy intro, dead beat and opening line, “feet don’t fail me now,” it’s a cliché train wreck. I was listening to the song drunk a few days ago and I swear to God she sang, “a watched pot never boils.” And yet I still LOVE it!

I agree the SNL appearance wasn’t anything special. I thought she looked hot in her dress and her backing band looked expensive, but those moments her voice dropped down to the floor were cringe worthy.

I was excited to get a hold of the full album, Born To Die, and since last Saturday I haven’t been able to make it passed the sixth song “National Anthem.”  I have OCD so I have to start from the beginning every time I try to listen and the same thing happens.

The album starts off strong with “Born To Die,” and then something weird happens during track two. Del Rey begins “Off To The Races” with a great lazy road-weary swagger, singing something about her Las Vegas past, an L.A. ass and her old man’s love of cocaine… I’m half expecting somebody to get shot by the end of the song. But no! For some reason Del Rey keeps conjuring Betty Boop for this poop-ooop-e-doop rap which can only described as off-putting.

 “Blue Jeans,” is literally just there. I can’t say if it’s a good song or a bad song. Would it work at the end of a Grey’s Anatomy episode with a trite Ellen Pompeo monologue over it? Definitely!

“Video Games” brings the album back. I just love the silly modern theme of video games juxtaposed against the stylish retro arrangement of the track. It’s beautiful. I’d love to throw it on and bang your mom. It would really tie a spring/autumn sexcapade together. I see this album becoming the cougar’s official mating call. “Fuck me young man, then you can go play Space Invaders,” a cougar might say.

“Diet Mountain Dew,” just makes me think of Portishead. It doesn’t sound much like Portishead, but by this time in the album I can’t stop thinking about Portishead live at Roseland. (Just a truly brilliant record.)

“National Anthem.” It sounds like it’s ripped right from Paris Hilton’s new album, or Kim Kardashian wrote half of it… I dunno, but I have to stop listening to Born To Die during this song. Can somebody tell me if there’s anything else worth my time after track 6?

Like most reviews of Born To Die, this one is almost just as useless. She’s selling records. She’s got buzz. If she starts getting spins on the radio, Miss Del Rey will get to have a nice 2012. She’s got two great songs, maybe three, and that’s a lot!

I dunno. Maybe. 

Huffing Rears It's Ugly Head

They don't mess around in Colorado! Just ask these two little future criminals! Guess what Breana (left) and Alyssa did in school that earned them a 10-day suspension and a possible expulsion from the Lewis-Palmer Middle school.

That’s right! They’re Huffers!

Breana "lost her breath" in gym class and fast thinking Alyssa said, " why not just use my prescription asthma inhaler. It works for me, a diagnosed asthma sufferer. So, it stands to reason it will work for you too Bree! Puff away!"

Breana's heart rate shot up to 160 bpm and she walked slowly over to the nurses office to see “sup?” Nurse Busybody promptly informed the principal and she suspended the little dopes for violating the school's policy on sharing prescription drugs.

For reasons unknown, the principal upped the suspension from the normal 5 days to 10 days and in a letter to the girls' parents stated she was recommending their expulsion from the school district.

No articles I read mentioned the principal's name, but thanks to good old Google. I found it, Caryn (sic) Collette, and her email address… CCollette@lewispalmer.org

I felt compelled to write Caryn (sic) a little email, just to let her know that I supported her decision!

Dear Caryn (sic),

I just wanted to commend you for your brave decision to hand down the appropriate punishment for two students who were sharing prescription drugs on school property.

The hairs on the back of my neck stood up when I read you suspended these two "huffers" for 10 days and recommended their expulsion! Kudos to you!

It all seemed instantly suspicious to me when I read that Breana Crites was feeling shortness of breath in Gym class. I mean c'mon why would a healthy 13-year-old all of a sudden be that short of breath? She hasn't been diagnosed with asthma!

I have a theory as to why this happend. I believe Crites and Alyssa McKinney were up all night at one of those Huffer/Rainbow parties I heard about on Oprah. If you're unfamiliar with these types of parties, let me explain.

Kids will fill a garbage can with paint, gasoline, orange juice, nail polish remover and as many Sharpies as they can get their hands on and then they Huff their ever loving brains out! Usually while listening to some sort of satanic themed music... like LMFAO. Then all the girls put on a different color lipstick and the boys line up against the wall. I'll leave the rest up to your imagination. I'm assuming they're all into tossing salads and drinking urine too, but I can't say for sure. I suspect they also enjoy the Japanese art of Bukkake as well. Perhaps they like sharing a cup too, if you know what I mean. ;-)

So, you got two girls hung-over from a good old fashioned Huffer party and now they find themselves in PE chasing the dragon. I'll bet before they concocted their plan to get high on McKinney's inhaler, they broke into the Boy's locker room and Huffed all the sweat socks and athletic supporters they could get their noses on. Did you ever see the movie "Porky's?"

I'm willing to bet dollars to donuts that once these two little deviants were strung out on the smell of balls and feet, they decided to add a little asthma inhaler to the mix to keep their buzz going. But Crites got more then she bargained for when she suffered an allergic reaction to all that fun.

I stand by your decision 110%! You are a brave lady Ms. Caryn (sic) Collette! Someday when this expulsion comes back to haunt these young girls in ways that they can't even imagine, you'll be able to hold your head up high and say, "God damn it, I'm quite a glorious douche, ain't I?" Shit you can say that now!

Good for you Caryn (sic)! God bless you and keep you.

GFY,

Brad Maybe

I’m awaiting the principal’s response!

I dunno. Maybe. 

Demi Moore's REAL 911 Call!

Can I Toss That Salad (Out The Window) For You!

Great news everybody! It looks like Doris is still sticking to her new year's resolution to only eat salad on the subway! And doesn't she look great?


The second she popped the top on that puppy the smell of raspberry vinaigrette filled the car and didn't make anybody nauseous.


Everybody thought it was cute the way she quickly said, "yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum," after every bite in a Gollum voice. 


When she was halfway through with her salad a bum asked her for a dollar so he could go buy a salad. She replied with a polite, "fuck you smelly." 


When she was finished with the salad, she pulled a chicken burrito out of her purse  (Breaking her new year's resolution.) and announced, "If any of you fags wanna bite... come and get it!" One guy looked like he was gonna try but she stared him down.


She spit the last bite of the burrito on the floor and said to the bum that asked her for a dollar, "don't choke on it sweetheart."


We pulled into Union Square she stood to exit and as she made her way to the door, she grabbed some guy's ass and called him a pussy. 


When the doors swung open she looked at me and said, "I bit the dick off the last guy who tried to take my picture without me knowing, just so you know."


She exited the train alone and as we pulled out of the station I thought that's how I wanna act when I'm a senior citizen. I got a burrito for dinner that night. 


I dunno. Maybe. 

Did You See The River Of Blood In Dallas?

Terrible story on Yahoo today about a "river of blood" outside a Dallas area meatpacking plant. As much as the picture and story are sickening, I couldn't help wondering if a local Death Metal band was packing up a video camera and heading down there to shoot the video for their next hit single, "BLOODY RIVER!"

I Read Your Bio & It Pissed Me Off

Cheyenne Marie Mize "Wishing Well"

Music is pretty funny. I listened to this song, “Wishing Well,” for the first time today and I liked it without knowing ONE thing about the artist. Some squaw… that’s all I knew! I’m assuming she’s a squaw with the name Cheyenne Marie Mize.

I simply enjoyed what was placed in front of me… one song, no pictures, no videos, just two minutes and eight seconds of audio. “Sounds like Grace Potter,” I thought. “I’d listen to the album for sure.” (Ironically, I liked Grace Potter before I heard her music. Anytime a hot stacked 5’10” blonde chick wants to do anything, I know I’ll like it. Singing, stand-up comedy, stripping, acting… whatever!)

Then I read Cheyenne's bio… and I still don’t know one thing about her.

It opens with, “Whimsical, haunting, dreamlike music that eschews the traditional formulae.” I put down my sandwich, went outside onto the street and yelled, “WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE!” Forgot the fact that “whimsical, haunting, dreamlike music” is utterly fucking useless, let’s zoom in on “eschews the traditional formulae.” I don’t know what annoyed me more;

1. Using the word eschew.

2. Taking the dickhead route of spelling formulas by using “formulae.”

3. The overall audacity of the statement.

If you’re going to say your music isn’t written like MOST music, then it better sound like something I’ve never heard before! She’s a bluesy folk artist from Kentucky! She’s didn’t discover a 13th note!

The bio then went on to describe her 2010 debut album, Before Lately, as a “slow-burning, introspective, meditative affair.” Coincidentally, so was my last dump. I swear to God my last shit could be described the same way. It burned, I was in there for at least 45 minutes and I thought about how I would have changed my childhood, if I could. “Slow-burning, introspective and a meditative affair!”

Some other highlights of the bio are “sonic palette,” “dynamic moods,” “resplendent piano swing,” “conjures a bombastic form of classic college radio songwriting, “full desert chamber rock,” “monolithic walls of cavernous sounds,” “continuous parts of a complete whole,” “likely be enjoyed in different mental states,” and “lending a cohesion to this sonic kaleidoscope.”

The only thing the precious bio actually got right was describing this song “Wishing Well,” as “using only a dense array of percussion.” Well done! But then the description of this track spun out into “classic R&B flavors and adventurous modern pop.”

I don’t mean to pick on the Mize here. She didn’t write this shit, and I’m wondering if she even read it. I’ve read thousands of bios and album reviews in my day and this shit just pisses me off. Why do people who write about music feel that have to be more creative then the music? If you’re writing a bio, tell me about the artist. Don’t jump into your thesaurus and pull out resplendent array of sonic bovine manure.

I dunno. Maybe.    

ESCALATOR!!!!

I Dunno. Maybe.