I Read Your Bio & It Pissed Me Off

Cheyenne Marie Mize "Wishing Well"

Music is pretty funny. I listened to this song, “Wishing Well,” for the first time today and I liked it without knowing ONE thing about the artist. Some squaw… that’s all I knew! I’m assuming she’s a squaw with the name Cheyenne Marie Mize.

I simply enjoyed what was placed in front of me… one song, no pictures, no videos, just two minutes and eight seconds of audio. “Sounds like Grace Potter,” I thought. “I’d listen to the album for sure.” (Ironically, I liked Grace Potter before I heard her music. Anytime a hot stacked 5’10” blonde chick wants to do anything, I know I’ll like it. Singing, stand-up comedy, stripping, acting… whatever!)

Then I read Cheyenne's bio… and I still don’t know one thing about her.

It opens with, “Whimsical, haunting, dreamlike music that eschews the traditional formulae.” I put down my sandwich, went outside onto the street and yelled, “WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE!” Forgot the fact that “whimsical, haunting, dreamlike music” is utterly fucking useless, let’s zoom in on “eschews the traditional formulae.” I don’t know what annoyed me more;

1. Using the word eschew.

2. Taking the dickhead route of spelling formulas by using “formulae.”

3. The overall audacity of the statement.

If you’re going to say your music isn’t written like MOST music, then it better sound like something I’ve never heard before! She’s a bluesy folk artist from Kentucky! She’s didn’t discover a 13th note!

The bio then went on to describe her 2010 debut album, Before Lately, as a “slow-burning, introspective, meditative affair.” Coincidentally, so was my last dump. I swear to God my last shit could be described the same way. It burned, I was in there for at least 45 minutes and I thought about how I would have changed my childhood, if I could. “Slow-burning, introspective and a meditative affair!”

Some other highlights of the bio are “sonic palette,” “dynamic moods,” “resplendent piano swing,” “conjures a bombastic form of classic college radio songwriting, “full desert chamber rock,” “monolithic walls of cavernous sounds,” “continuous parts of a complete whole,” “likely be enjoyed in different mental states,” and “lending a cohesion to this sonic kaleidoscope.”

The only thing the precious bio actually got right was describing this song “Wishing Well,” as “using only a dense array of percussion.” Well done! But then the description of this track spun out into “classic R&B flavors and adventurous modern pop.”

I don’t mean to pick on the Mize here. She didn’t write this shit, and I’m wondering if she even read it. I’ve read thousands of bios and album reviews in my day and this shit just pisses me off. Why do people who write about music feel that have to be more creative then the music? If you’re writing a bio, tell me about the artist. Don’t jump into your thesaurus and pull out resplendent array of sonic bovine manure.

I dunno. Maybe.