At some point last month, I decided my new year’s resolution would be to write more… and not just childish tweets about my balls or venting about the endless d-bags in the world that annoy me. Although I do love my balls and there’s never a shortage of things that force me to drop F, C, S and A bombs on Twitter, but I want to write stuff with some meat! Really dig in, show off my love of the language and craft nifty little essays that portray me as a complex guy. So, here we are on January 5 and I’m finally getting started on what I’m sure will become a doomed resolution! I also resolved to stop drinking diet pop (Yeah I said pop!) and that one is still going strong!
What to write? I sat down at the computer for some inspiration! Should I write about an album or band I like? See my Twitter feed, “everything sucks.” Should I write about movies or TV? I could only think of one reason Fox shouldn’t cancel Terra Nova. A thoughtful piece on why porn on the internet is killing intimacy? Too hacky. Write about my chosen profession of radio? I’m trying not to sound like a dick. And then I decided, just to get the ball rolling, to go to that deep well people have been using for inspiration for years and years! My fucked up family!
I already wrote a couple things about my parents, that I never put online, but I wanted something fresh! I started Googling my old man’s side of the family. JACKPOT!
Here’s my family in a nutshell. Mom and dad are divorced. Everyone on my mom’s side is either dead or dead to her and/or she’s dead to them. Dad’s side is a lot more interesting. My Dad has 3 brothers and one sister. According to my mom, they have FOUR different fathers! So that would make my unbearably religious grandma the OBM – Original Baby Mama. Shiiiiiit!
Today we’re going to focus in on the youngest member of my grandmother’s brood, my uncle Robbie. Total fucking scumbag. When I was a little kid I observed Robbie’s favorite pastimes on many occasions and they included; smoking weed, stealing money, stealing stuff that was worth money, hitchhiking, using the N-word, fishing, putting Pepsi in his bong, listening to 2112, abusing cats, molesting children and fucking his dirty fat girlfriend. He also had some of the greasiest long hair you ever did see and quite possibly the world’s worst case of eczema on his hands and arms. I’ll always remember him scratching so much my grandfather Spike (I swear to God my grandfather’s name was Spike.) would often smack him right at the dinner table. WHAP! “Quit scratchin’ will ya!” Spike would say. Just imagine a really fucking scaly, dirty, Rush loving pile of shit and you got my uncle Robbie.
I’m pretty sure the last time I saw Robbie was in 1990 and I haven’t talked to anybody else on my dad’s side of the family since the late 90’s. So, I don’t really know what he’s been up to. Every now and then my mom would tell me some story about how he got caught stealing money or that his new girlfriend was 78-years-young. In all honesty, I really didn’t care to hear much more until the story started with where they discovered his body and how he met his grizzly end.
And now the point, with only SLIGHT embellishments.
On November 27, 2006 Robbie was walking around Kaisertown, the Polish section of Buffalo. If he had the money, I’m assuming he was high on weed. If he was broke he probably hit his 78-year-old girlfriend’s medicine cabinet and put together something to “take the edge off.” Let’s say he was high on a cocktail of Alzheimer’s and arthritis meds when he decided to go down by the creek behind my grandmother’s house. A spot that he enjoyed all of his favorite pastimes going back to the late 70’s. Here’s where it gets disturbing.
I’m not sure if the dog was his or if the dog just happened upon Robbie, but for some reason he decided to pull out a knife – or let’s assume he was just walking around with a big knife in his hand the whole time – and not only did he kill this poor “mixed-breed” dog but he mutilated it as well. Total fucking scumbag. This is all according to Buffalo District Police Chief James Shea. The “total fucking scumbag” part is not in Shea’s official report… it’s just kinda implied.
What does the average person find when they look for a “forgotten” family member on Google? Maybe they got married? Divorced? Had a kid? Not me.
When he was caught and questioned by police you wouldn’t believe what the dickhead had to say. He said he was walking along the creek with the dog and a monster jumped out! He was actually high enough to tell the cops that a monster jumped outta the creek! And while he was fighting the monster, the dog got stabbed! I’m a bit ambivalent about the monster story. Obviously I’m outraged about the poor dead dog but telling cops you were attacked by a monster is kinda funny.
His monster defense only bought him some time however and the court ordered a psych evaluation only delaying his day in court.
On July 10, 2007 Robbie pleaded guilty to one felony count of animal cruelty and was scheduled to be sentenced on October 9, 2007.
Sadly, I don’t know if Robbie had to spend any time in the pokey, looking up the records online is a racket. My old lady claims to know nothing about this incident and I’m not calling anybody on the old man’s side of the family.
Based on a little nosing around I did on pet-abuse.com, I made some interesting discoveries. A dipshit in Yonkers got 15 months in jail for slashing a puppy across the face with a knife and the puppy lived. Some douche in Little Falls got 60 days with a monitoring bracelet for stabbing a puppy with a drill and it lived! But another asshole in New York Mills killed a kitten with an unloaded BB gun and got one to three years in state prison.
I’ve deduced, based on those sentences, that Robbie got at least a six month sentence in county. I like to think at some point while he was in there 20 black guys beat the shit out of him a couple times… real good. Now he’s out and down by the creek, popping cholesterol pills to get high, listening to 2112, and thinking about molesting some children. Total fucking scumbag.
I dunno. Maybe.
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