4.20.13

In honor of Hitler’s Birthday on April 20th, it was Douche Bag Day! I listened to Limp Bizkit Significant Other, Korn Follow The Leader, and Fall Out Boy Save Rock And Roll.

When you look back at the success a band like Limp Bizkit enjoyed back in the late 90’s, you really have to ask, “How the fuck did that happen?”

The short end of it is pretty simple. They covered a great song, “Faith” by George Michael, payola was still around, and the internet was still only getting piped into our homes over phone lines. So, it took about three days to download a song. Oh, and there is never a shortage of dummies in this country. As I’m writing this, Fast & Furious 6 just opened as the No. 1 movie in the country. Never a shortage of dummies.

“Faith” whipped up a Rap Rock frenzy on the Alt Rock airwaves across the country and as it started to fade, along came the perfectly timed Significant Other and seemingly overnight Limp Bizkit became America’s band. Fred Durst went from unknown poser, to the H.P.I.C. (Head Poser In Charge.) The Dirtbags had won! Wall Street investors made a fortune investing in hooded sweatshirt futures. The mighty Alternative Wave of the 90’s had crashed and drowned everybody capable of rational thought. Rap Rock had become the heir apparent to Grunge and Rock ‘N’ Roll has NEVER RECOVERED!

There’s an episode of Family Guy where they play the entire video of David Bowie and Mick Jagger singing “Dancing In The Streets,” and when it’s over Peter Griffin looking into the camera says, “That happened. And we all let it happen.” We all let Limp Bizkit happen.

“Nookie?” Really? “I did it all for the nookie, so you can take that cookie and stick it up your…” That was a fucking hit! By the time “Re-Arranged” became a single it was all over, there was no turning back. Limp Bizkit was now the mouthpiece for every useless kid that felt being a do-nothing loser was an expression of independence.  A bunch of dumbass potheads were now the lost generation? Pfffft! Put down your bowls and stop acting like assholes at the mall! You’re bored because you don’t do ANYTHING! Your parents hate you because you’re an embarrassment! “Heavy is the head that wears the crown,” indeed!

In the spirit of fairness I will say that “Break Stuff,” has been a fairly consistent source of joy for me. I love it! “I just might… BREAK YOUR FUCKING FACE TONIGHT! Just give me something to break. How ‘bout your fucking face?” Juvenile and dumb as shit, but boy does it pump my nads!

The architects of Nu-Metal. Thank you Korn!  

I wish I had a picture of my face the first time I heard the dirtbag anthem “Shoots And Ladders,” from their 1994 debut. I couldn't fucking stand how Jonathan Davis would figuratively blow himself explaining how the song was exposing the true meaning of children’s nursery rhymes. No kidding, dipshit! Anyone that fucking went to history class in Junior High knows that. That song still pisses me off. Then the timeless gem “A.D.I.D.A.S,” from Life Is Peachy, really showcased the creative boundaries this band had no idea how to overcome.

When Follow The Leader was released, I wanted it to bomb, I wanted it to bomb big and for Korn to go back where they belonged, engulfed in my poop!

I was riding in a Limo with a broken leg when I heard “Got The Life” for the first time. I fucking loved it and still pretty much do. “Freak On A Leash” has its moments too, but I never bothered to actually listen to anything else on this album. And then Korn became tracksuit wearing doofuses who married porn stars and filled swimming pools with money. Life is so God damn unfair!

This album sounded exactly like I thought it would.

Here’s the thing about this comeback. We all knew it was coming someday. We all knew it was going to be a big deal in the wiener community and it was going to cause flooding in the pants of chubby teen girls all across the globe. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

The problem that I have with this comeback is the woe-is-me act Fall Out Boy’s bassist, Vinegar Douche, put on in the press when it was first announced. He “didn't think people would care,” and he didn't think anybody would show up for their first show in their FUCKING HOMETOWN. Do me a fucking favor Vinegar Douche! Google the definition of the word earnest and then try to put it into practice in your everyday life.

This record is the perfect comeback for a high caliber Emo band looking to strike a chord with the 20-something boneheads who bought into their bullshit when they were thirteen. God bless.

I was actually looking forward to hearing Courtney Love and Elton John’s contributions to this album, but they’re nothing special. Courtney just rants and Elton sounds out of place.

Oh, and it’s Rock ‘N’ Roll goobers! Not Rock and Roll!