6.6.13

On June 6th I listened to Elton John Goodbye Yellow Brick Road and The National Trouble Will Find Me.

I was expecting this album to be a treasure chest filled with all these great Elton John songs that I never heard or haven’t heard since I was a kid. I initially thought that wasn't the case, but I found myself becoming more involved with Goodbye Yellow Brick Road after about three spins.

I could listen to “Bennie And The Jets,” on repeat for a week straight before I’d start to get sick of it.

“She’s got electric boots, a mohair suit… you know I read it in a mag-a-zeeen Ohhhh Hooooo!”

Fuckin’ A! I’m sure it goes without saying that when I was a kid, I thought he was saying she had electric “boobs.” What would you even do with electric boobs? Well, I guess I have an idea. To this day, I have no idea what mohair is.  I don’t even know if I’m spelling it right. Regardless, I have loved this song since I could remember shit. Goodbye Yellow Brick Road came out when I was two!

Where “Bennie And The Jets” was something I have loved since I was a toddler, “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” is something I grew to appreciate and actually understand. Another song I could listen to a hundred times in a row.

I found my lost gems in “Love Lies Bleeding,” “This Song Has No Title,” “Grey Seal,” “I’ve Seen That Movie Too,” and “Dirty Little Girl.”

And I still haven’t even got to “Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting.”

I've been meaning to listen to this whole album for too long and I’m glad I finally spent some time with it! Thanks Sir Elton!

I was working for a little indie music rag in 2003 when I walked into the office early one morning to find several of my co-workers having a circle jerk over a copy of The National’s second album Sad Songs For Dirty Lovers.

They weren't ashamed at all and beckoned me to join them. I couldn't! Could I?

I dropped my pants and joined the circle. “What are we doing?” I asked as pulled out my flaccid wiener. “Shhhh,” was all I got from the circle of fully aroused co-workers. I was very uncomfortable, but figured I’d get swept up in the moment soon enough.

One by one, dudes started jizzing all around me. I was still wondering what the attraction was. Was I supposed to be concentrating on the music, or everyone’s euphoric gestures? They all looked and sounded like me… if I was eating a lobster tail. I was still working a wet noodle and just didn't feel like I was a part of the group.

It all ended quickly and everyone went scurrying back to their troll holes. I was left standing there with my soft meat in my hand.

Ten years later and I still feel that way about The National... absolutely nothing.

“Sea Of Love” gives us the utterance of the album's tittle and an apology to some guy named Joe. I'm assuming somebody in the band fucked his girlfriend, or his girlfriend only listens to The National. I expect a full apology on the next album. "Brad, we're sorry for every note."

The National have two speeds and one constant theme. "Slow and boring" or "really slow and boring" and I guess some people are into that. I’m into that sometimes… sometimes, but there're better options, like listening to a fan on low.

Having said all of that, Trouble Will Find Me does have some charm. I found myself getting swept up by "Don't Swallow The Cap" and there's something deeper in the shallowness of "Hard To Find." (Yes, I just wrote that.)

Let me hear a song like "The Last Time," however, and my well-used boxer briefs start wadding up in a bunch deep in my crack. It's less fun for the people in my vicinity, then it is for me.

But, I do promise not to bitch at all when “everyone” picks this to be the album of the year, or if it wins a Grammy.

If I decide to kill myself for any reason, I’ll throw a National reference in my suicide note just to fuck with everyone. “He hated The National,” they’ll all say. Or did I? If one person I know actually spends any time listening to their albums looking for clues, I’d be so happy to know I fucked with someone from the grave. It’ll probably be Barrie. Good luck with that.

Up next... I listen to Slayer and the new one from Primal Scream.

Check out the rest of the June Playlist, if you dare!