6.10.13

On June 10th I listened to The Tubes The Tubes and Savages Silence Yourself.

I’m pretty sure up until I listened to this album I only knew The Tubes’ 1983 hit “She’s A Beauty,” and I would have been pretty happy with just knowing that.

The only other thing I knew about the tubes going into this album was a story I had heard many years ago from a co-worker. Back in the early 90’s I used to work as a waiter at Uncle Joe’s Diner in beautiful Hamburg, NY. One day while having a smoke break, one of the cooks and I started shooting the shit about concerts and I was telling the cook about the My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult show I had just seen the night before.

While the Thrill Kill Kult were performing their song “Kooler Than Jesus” (I don’t know what they ever had against the letter C, but they sure seemed to have hated it.) a topless young lady resembling Jesus, beard and long brown hair, was paraded out onto the stage. It wasn't until they started affixing her to a giant wood cross that I noticed a dildo was hanging out of her only piece of wardrobe, a rather disgusting looking loincloth. She just kind of hung out there for most of the song and at some point a member of the band went over and began sucking on the dildo. I was with my friend Joe Bagodonuts and I remember leaning over to him and saying, “some people might be offended by that.” He said, “Ya think?”

The cook didn't bat an eye at this story and shared with me an anecdote from a Tubes’ performance she had seen many years before in the late 70’s. Apparently The Tubes were an androgynous bunch that wore extravagant customs on stage and messed around with some pretty lavish theatrics during their performances. To me, sometimes that’s a great indicator that the music blows. Not always.

The cook explained that during the bridge of the first song, the singer nonchalantly walked over to the keyboard player and started to “suck his dick.” This was met with an open mouthed, “Really?” from me.  She confirmed that she saw a dick going into a mouth, but I still remain a little skeptical of that. I don’t think the police would have allowed the Memorial Auditorium to become the scene of a hardcore sex show thank you very much.

So, based on that story and only knowing “She’s A Beauty” I kind of formulated this idea of what I thought The Tubes were all about.

Listening to their self-titled debut record, I couldn't have been more wrong. It’s fucking Prog Rock. I hate Prog Rock.

One minute they sound like Steely Dan, I guess, the next they’re singing in Spanish, and then “White Punks On Dope” doesn't sound half as cool as its name. Plus, there's a weird vibe running throughout this record. It's completely dated, but like from an alternate universe. Everything they're doing sounds like it was hip, but just not on this planet. Does that make any sense? 

Me not liking this album is the epitome of the often too rare occasion when I’m too young to “get it.” 

Unless somebody can convince me otherwise, I won’t be listening to anything from The Tubes again, unless “She’s A Beauty” pops up on my 80’s playlist.

Sorry for all the cocksucking talk in this review… if we can even call it a review.

Speaking of cocksuckers, whoever was responsible for hyping this fucking band should be sent to bed without giving anybody a blowjob.

I started seeing them pop up in NME sometime this spring, so I guess they’re responsible. When I was putting together the June playlist, I saw their debut had just come out and put them on the list. And how they hell did they get the name Savages? Nobody of any note was Savages already?

If it was 1986, I was fifteen, this was my older sister’s band, they practiced in the garage in skimpy tank-tops, and I got to stare at their boobs for an hour a night, then I might be interested in Savages. But it’s not, I’m not, they aren't, they don’t, and there isn't a decent rack between the four of them. They really don’t come across as a particularly feminine bunch. And that’s cool, man.

They got a frog singer who does her best to sound like Karen O. here and there, and she’s got a thing for missing face parts. The band is kind of tight, I really enjoy the sound, but the songs don’t do much for me.

I thought, perhaps, this is one of those bands where the charm is buried in the lyrics. Wickedly thrown bon mots tucked into every verse, cause there’re really no choruses here. Each quip resonating throughout their fanbase like a brutally shared experience.  You know, like when broads start howling during  their favorite lines at an Ani Difranco show? 

“The world’s a dead sorry hole,” was pretty much all that resonated with me. I’m pretty sure “the world” is an analogy for some lady’s vagina, but I’m awful at lyrical interpretation. I don’t think I ever noticed the word “anal” in “analogy.” So, maybe this was a vaginalogy? Get it? No? Too dumb?

Thank you. Good night!

(And Brad Maybe exits the stage to the hum of a million crickets.)