I wrote this one over the summer of 2009, but about two people read it where it was originally posted. Now, I'm hoping four or five people read it.
So what the F is up with this Miracle Whip commercial? "We're not going to tone it down?" A bold statement from something I put on my sandwich so the bread isn’t dry.
Can you imagine the meeting where they came up with this? Some tool from Kraft probably thought that Miracle Whip’s hipness was dipping. “We need to get D-bags in Williamsburg Brooklyn to start putting Miracle Whip on their vegan patty sandwiches! Let’s get Andy Samblurg and Dracula Weekend to be in a commercial!”
I don’t know what’s worse? 1. The fact that this COMMERCIAL has over 2,000 (Currently 35,000) YouTube hits. 2. The tool playing guitar with that Che Guevara look probably has a record coming out. 3. The hipster chick with the little boy haircut holding the Miracle Whip bottle like she’s Britney Spears hocking Pepsi. 4. The announcer guy trying to sound like Miracle Whip is dangerous.
I think Smaru486 summed it up perfectly on YouTube when it wrote, “I got laid cause I used Miracle Whip.” Well said sir, or madam.
Don’t get me wrong. If I’m putting together a bologna sammy on white with some American cheese, I’ll reach for the Miracle Whip. I’ve been eating Miracle Whip for as long as I can remember and never once thought to myself, “God bless those brave men and woman over at Kraft for making a sandwich spread that doesn’t comprise. I love you Miracle Whip for having the balls to be so different, with all your spices and awesomeness.” You know why I never thought that? Because it’s fucking mayonnaise! Or whatever the hell it is.
Oddly enough I have had those thoughts about Frank’s Hot Sauce. Now that’s a condiment that somebody could really rally behind. I'd fucking kill a man for some Frank's.
Ten thumbs down McGarrybowen (The agency that dreamt up this in-your-face-disaster-of-a-commercial.)
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