I believe Rolling Stone called The Clash’s London Calling the
best album of the 80’s, although it was released in December of 1979. I mention
that because if the dicks at Rolling Stone can include London Calling in the
80’s, I can discuss Faith No More’s The Real Thing with the 90’s. Besides
nobody but Metalheads cared about it until February 1990 when “Epic” became a
single. So there!
The Real Thing is the first Faith No More album to feature
their new singer Mike Patton. He replaced Chuck Mosley, who departed the band
because he’s a dick… or something.
“From Out Of Nowhere,” “Epic,” and “Falling To Pieces” kick
off The Real Thing! Bing, bang, boom! Welcome aboard Mike Patton! Where have
you been all my life? Whoever your favorite singer is, Patton is better. Plant?
Pffft! Sinatra? Pfffft! Rose? PFFFFFF!
After the first three jams, the rest of the disc doesn’t
really have the hooky bite it started off with, but there’re some listenable
album tracks here. Then there’s a cover of “War Pigs” and Patton takes Ozzy to
school! Eat it Sharon!
As far as I’m concerned Angel Dust is Faith No More’s
crowning achievement. It’s almost flawless.
Any hint of 80’s metal or 80’s rock tinge is pretty much gone
from the band’s sound on this album. For 1992, Angel Dust sounded fresh and
unique, 21 years later, its sounds fucking better. Patton is possessed on this
record. He acts like a vessel adding an emoting voice to the soundscapes that
surround him. It’s a pretty fucking deep record, among other things. I don’t
want to put all the attention on Patton, because without Jim Martin, Roddy
Bottum, Billy Guold and Mike Bordin there is no Angel Dust.
I particularly love “Be Aggressive” and its outwardly
gay theme about oral sex. Written by the band’s gay keyboard player Bottum, Patton
sings the song with absolutely no sense of irony or jest. As far as you know
Patton is a cocksucking homo, because the song and his performance are so God
damn good! It's the feel good sing-a-long song of the decade and there're cheerleaders!
“A Small Victory” has always been my absolute favorite from
this album. A pretty simple song about winning and losing that the band and
Patton turn into a giant complex soft walking beast. “If I speak at one
constant volume, at one constant pitch, at one constant rhythm right into your
ear... you still won’t hear. You still won’t hear. You STILL won’t hear…”
“Midlife Crisis,” “RV,” “Land Of Sunshine,” “Everything’s
Ruined,” and their delicious cover of “Midnight Cowboy,” which closes the album
out, all add to the colorful tapestry that is Angel Dust.
I can’t talk about this Tomahawk record without going a
little deeper into my thoughts on Mike Patton and his entire body of work.
Patton is too prolific.
While Patton was in Faith No More, he was putting out
records with Mr. Bungle, his first band. I always listened to those albums as they came out, but I never
liked them all too much. I do know many people who swear that the first
self-titled album is brilliant. I plan on listening to all the Mr. Bungle
records this year.
After Faith No More, Patton started Ipecac Records and churned out music as Fantomas, Peeping Tom and Tomahawk. There are nine total
studio albums from those three outlets since 1999. Then there’s Hemophiliac, one of like three bands he’s in with saxophonist John Zorn.
To me, all that music sounded weird and/or too busy. Imagine tangling off the ledge of a tower that looks like a dog’s
dick, while being chased by killer marshmallows. If you need a song to capture that mood,
Patton probably has three from two different bands and there's probably a line about a dog's dick.
I can tell you exactly where I was when I got bored with
following Patton down every little hallway he wanted to see what was at the end
of. September 1, 2003. I was dragged to one of thirty John Zorn 50th
Birthday Celebration shows. Hemophiliac was playing at Tonic in NYC.
The band consisted of Zorn on sax, a little Asian lady playing a computer and
Patton scatting.
In the four years leading up to this show I had sifted through
two Fantomas albums, two Tomahawk albums, something called Lovage and a Dillinger
Escape Plan EP that Patton sang on, searching for something to bring me joy.
There wasn't much. I’m not saying it’s all awful or there isn't an audience for
experimental avant-garde stuff. It’s just NOT FOR ME… most of the time.
About thirty minutes into the Hemophiliac show, I am bored out
of my fucking mind. I’m standing in the back pounding beers and thinking about
just leaving... when it happens. Up until this point Patton has done nothing but
make farting and clicking noises over Zorn’s sax and whatever the broad on the
computer was doing… I’m convinced she was playing solitaire. All of a sudden Patton
busts out with a beautiful four or five second note of his signature awesomeness
and the place erupts with applause. Then it was gone, he was back to farting
and clicking. I thought to myself, "that’s it." He’s not gonna regale us with
anything close to that for the rest of this fucking show. God damn it! “Call me
when the shuttle lands, Patton,” I yelled as I walked out of the room. It’s a
line from the movie Heathers and as far as I know his shuttle never landed because he hasn't called me.
Of all the twenty dollar bills I have wasted in my life, I
want that one back more than all the others!
Since that show, I resigned myself to the fact that Mike Patton had left the building. He was going to follow his muse off the far ends of the planet. God bless! Send me a postcard if anything cool happens, because I can't take the trip with you. The only thing I've truly loved since then was "Not Alone" from Peeping Tom and the Faith No More reunion show I saw a few summers ago... minus Mr. Watermelon farmer himself, Jim Martin. Or is he a pumpkin farmer? I dunno, maybe.
Having said all of that!
Tomahawk hasn't done much in a while, I can't imagine why. But the supergroup made up of dudes from bands so hip they could explode the sun (Jesus Lizard, Melvins, Helmet) is back with a new guy and of course Mike Patton. I love the album cover so let's jump in!
Tomahawk starts off this one with the odd “Oddfellows”
and I think, “here we go.” It’s not awful, just busy and weird. But then what’s
this? “Stone Letter,” starts off with an almost Jesus And Mary Chain vocal
style and then kicks into a pretty fucking great song with a hook! Now I’m
thinking, “shit, what albums have I missed in the last few years from Patton?”
“I.O.U.” is kind of a weirdo festival, and then “White Hats/Black
Hats” is a normal song with another hook! What the fuck is going on here?! The rest
of it was kinda just there, but the last song “Typhoon,” goes from road house Rock
to psychotic and back in about two minutes.
I guess I’m going to have to start wading through all of
Patton’s shit again. I’ll have to call my friend Kevin Boyce, the world’s
leading authority on Patton, for some starting points.
Tomorrow I'm gonna listen to Rage Against The Machine, Rage Against The Machine, Catherine Wheel Chrome and IAMDYNAMITE SUPERMEGAFANTASTIC.
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